RED FLAGS OF ABUSE

Abuse is a pattern. It's not just one hit. Abuse is one person scaring the other person and not doing what he wants her to do. It's about one person controlling the other. Abuse can be physical, emotional, and/or sexual. It usually is a lot of different methods of control used at the same time. Many women don't think of themselves as being "battered." They don't see the things their partner does to them as abusive and they don't see them as a pattern. The following is a list of behaviors that may signal domestic violence. If you notice these characteristics in your own partner or in someone else's partner, understand that they are warning signs (red flags) that you or someone you know may be abused physically, emotionally, or verbally.

It's her job to account for all of her time.
Arguments will frequently occur if they victim cannot account for a period of time. For example, if her grocery receipt (which she will keep and give to the abuser as documentation) shows that she checked out at 4:30pm, but she arrived home from the 15-minute drive at 5:01pm. Abusers often insist on documentation and will track her time when she is away from the home. Unaccounted for time usually leads the abuser to accuse the victim of being unfaithful to him.

Regularly accuses the victim of being unfaithful.
The abuser often accuses the victim of being unfaithful if she cannot adequately account for all of her time. He may also accuse her of being unfaithful if she changes something in her life, such as:

Changing her hairstyle or losing weight - "Who are you trying to please?"
Putting on makeup or perfume - "Who was here?"
Having a lack of interest in sex - "Who have you been sleeping with?"
Having an interest in trying a new sexual position - "Who taught you that?"

Discourages or forbids relationships with family and friends.
Isolating the victim is important to the abuser when he is trying to conceal his behavior. He will not allow her to spend time with her family and friends because of the added danger that the victim may tell someone about the abuse. Someone close to the victim, however, usually knows. If the victim grew up in a similar type of home, she almost always tells her mother.

Prevents her from working or attending school.
The more dependent the victim is on the abuser, the more likely she is to stay. Because the abuser puts a lot of energy into making the victim conform, he does not want her to leave. Working and attending school increases the opportunity that she will realize the true nature of their relationship. At school or work, she has an opportunity to build a support network, which lowers her reliance on him. Without a support network, she will believe him when he says, "Go ahead and tell. No one will believe you."

Acts extremely jealous.
At the beginning of a relationship an abuser will say that his jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy, in reality, has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. This theme of jealousy is seen in many of the abuser's behavior patterns and frequently escalates during the relationship. The abuser's jealousy is aimed at a number of people including the victim's own children, parents, friends, neighbors, her boss, or anyone with whom the victim converses.

Becomes involved quickly.
Many abusers date or know their victims for less than six months before living together or getting engaged. He often comes on like a whirlwind and claims love at first sight. Because the abuser needs the victim to feel connected or tied to him, he will often say things like, "You're the only person I can talk to" or "I've never felt love like this before."

Controlling Behavior.
An abuser tries to justify his controlling behavior by saying that he does it out of concern for his victim's health or safety, especially in the beginning of the relationship. At first, the abuser acts supportive by saying things like, "You're too busy and I'm concerned about you. Maybe you should drop out of school." Early in the dating period, the abuser downplays this type of behavior and the victim usually appreciates the extra attention to her household duties and decisions. This type of behavior slowly changes from supportive to controlling. Later in the dating period or after the marriage, he may become angry if the victim is "late" coming back from an appointment or the store. If this happens, he will question her closely about where she went and with whom she talked to. He may try to control her personal decisions about the house, her appearance, and her financial matters. This behavior may also include deciding what time she gets up, when she goes to bed, and whether she showers or bathes.

Blames others for his problems.
Emotional, physical, and sexual abusers have a hard time recognizing their own problems and generally will lack the ability to deal with their problems. Because of this, abusers blame the victim or other people for almost anything that goes wrong. If he is chronically unemployed, he may claim that someone is out to get him. If he makes a mistake, he may say that he was unable to concentrate because the kids were making noise or she was nagging him.

Blames others for his feelings.
Abusers don't take responsibility for their own feelings. Instead, he may tell the victim, "You make me mad" or "You're hurting me by not doing what I ask" or "I can't help being angry when you do that."

Treats the victim roughly.
Abusers hit, kick, slap, shake, squeeze, and push victims or physically force them to do something they don't want to do. This type of rough treatment gets worse as the relationship progresses. Abuser while dating guarantees more frequent abuse and more violent abuse in the future. Marriage will not make the abuse stop. In fact, marrying the abuser usually makes the abuse worse. If your partner is abusing you, you should seek help now! Don't wait and hope the abuse stops, because it won't!

Plays with guns, knives, or other deadly instruments.
Abusers often play with weapons, talk about using them against other people, or threaten to use them as a way to get back at someone.

Grew up in a violent family.
Many abusers grow up learning that violent behavior is normal. If he was abused as a child or grew up in a home where one parent beat the other parent, he will probably batter his wife, beat his kids, or both. If he grew up in a violent home, he may claim that he won't behave that way, but he will often resort to violence when faced with the everyday problems of marriage, parenting, and work. There is no excuse for abuse!

Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
Many abusers have substance abuse problems. His substance abuse does not cause the violence, but it may increase the victim's risk of being severely injured during an attack. She should be wary of his drinking or drug problem, particularly if he refuses to admit that he was a problem and refuses to get help.

She is afraid when he gets angry.
A victim tries to find ways to stop the abuser from becoming angry. She will usually do what he wants her to do, rather than what she wants to do out of fear.

She feels threatened by him.
A victim is often afraid to break up with an abuser, because she is scared he might hurt her. She may also change her life in hopes that she won't make him angry. If you feel threatened by your partner, please seek help now!

Did any of these "red flags" relate to you or someone you know in any way? If so, you may want to look at our Safety Plan.

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